Review : Scary Movie 5 (2013/PG-13)

Lets be honest the Scary Movie franchise was good for the first 2 and the third was tolerable for having such A list stars and a good mix of old style Airplane! humor. However now we’re up to Scary Movie 5 that is trying hard to reboot the series but comes up short. The main issue with this film is that it has to shoehorn a horror film in as the main parody plot device, this time the target was Paranormal Activity. This whole franchise was founded on mocking 90s horror and even the whole horror genre is now stale thanks to crap like Paranormal Activity or Toture Porn directed by one note hack himself James Wan. The point is when the basis is built on shaky schlock the parody has to over compensate to the point of sheer cartoony sticky gags. Honestly had this not been a Scary Movie film but a straight up new parody film, the story might have worked a tad bit better if it wasn’t trying to overcompensate so much with rapid fire prat falls and jokes that mostly fall totally flat.

Scary Movie 5 Trailer (Dimension Films/2013)
On a scale of 1.0 to 5.9 it got a 2.6 out of 5.9

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Review : Star Trek : The Next Generation – Half A Life (1991/TV-PG)

Star Trek : The Next Generation was on for 178 episodes, not all of them were winners, and Half A Life was one of the losers. What makes this episode so bad, simple just like Once Upon a Time, The Walking Dead, or any drama on television today (yes we’re including you Netflix) nothing was resolved, concluded, or explained. This means it broke our golden rule “Respect our Time” it doesn’t matter this episode aired in 1991 it still wasted our time now. What makes it worse this episode had top notch guest stars such as Majel Barrett, David Ogden Stiers, and Michelle Forbes. But no matter how much star power you pack when the story of having to go back to your planet to die when you turn 60 and that planets sun is dying, is never resolved make this one of the most pointless, irritating, and stupid episodes of Star Trek we’ve ever seen. This isn’t entertainment this is embarrassment.

Star Trek : The Next Generation – Half A Life Trailer (Paramount Television/1991)
On a scale of 1.0 to 5.9 it got a 1.6 out of 5.9

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One Scene Preview Review: Tomorrowland (2015/PG)

With us reviewing theme parks that means we’re always visiting one pretty much every week, this time we were at our favorite, Epcot and saw a 15 minute preview for Tomorrowland. Right off the bat unlike the Cinderella preview this seemed more like the first 10 minuets of the film, so while co-star Hugh Lauire was in it, the star of the movie George Clooney was no where to be seen. We assume the kid with the jet pack is suppose to be his character as a child in 1964, but so far with it being a Brad Bird film even as live action it’s copying from the Pixar playbook which as we’ve said is starting to show cracks as it now 20 years old (same could be said for us but we don’t charge you $8.50 to view our content) it might be too early to call but this seems to whimsy and not enough science. So let’s hope that was just the first 10 minuets.

On a scale of 1.0 to 5.9 these 10 to 15 minuets got a 4.1 out of 5.9

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Review : Carrie (2013/R) 

Attention MGM, 1976 wasn’t that long ago why in the name of fuck is the film Carrie getting a remake? What’s next, Polgergiest, sorry what, really summer 2015 reboot…. FUCK! So let’s break this down, we have the director of Boys Don’t Cry, the co-star of Kick Ass 2, and Julianne Moore, what could possibly go wrong. Seriously run away from the review now before the movie goes off the rails! So in the first scene Carrie’s mother played by Julianne Moore gives birth alone in bed to Carrie and tries to kill her, oh FYI the first two minuets are just yelling. Right off the bat this where the film has issues, way to much yelling. While original 1976 film told the same story, it did it subtly, this film bangs you over the head. Yes Carrie has powers but don’t start cramming it down our throat five minuets in, for christ sakes build up to it, and do it with some class. Honestly do what we did and go to the fridge and get a stiff drink and keep watching, we will wait… got one, awesome let’s keep going. Truth be told 30 minuets in the film becomes fun because your enjoying seeing the actors, and director hit bottom with this car wreck. Your screaming out better movies the actors have been a part of scarcastically chirping “You were in (title here) you won an Oscar for (title here) what happened!” While we’re at it the film made a Tim Tebow reference don’t promote that little fart who couldn’t cut it in the NFL! Seriously this film is so bad it’s entertaining, it’s as if everyone involved watched the 1976 version but are doing a bad sweded version that would be seen in Be Kind Rewind (however that was funny on purpose.) Sweded would be best way to describe it as the audio levels of this movie are all over the place and the dutch angles are too tilted and poorly executed. More over digital correction when the bucket of blood was dumped on Carrie make it look waxy and cartoony, in 1976 this was a practical effect there is no need to digitaly tweak it. Your drink is probally empty now so that means the review is over, long story short this is a terrible movie. However if you want to get a nice stuff drink and have fun yelling at a movie because of the cast and crews decision on making a remake that wasn’t needed then it’s right up your alley.

Carrie Trailer (MGM/2013)

On a scale of 1.0 to 5.9 it got a 2.4 out of 5.9

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Friday Special : 57 minutes after the hour, serlized TV drama’s crutch.

We hate hour long serlized TV drama. Not only has it killed broadcast, cable, and premium TV shows (yeah we’re including you to Netflix) they are basically time sponges. The golden rule we have is “Respect our time.” and the big issue is they don’t and never will. So why is that? Simple the whole episode in effect is to drag the story out 13 or 22 episodes and basically beholden to a small little exchange that makes whole plot clumsily lurch forward at 57 minutes past the hour. Basically it’s no diffrent then porn, it’s all tease and that one money shot. Honestly we think at least porn has better plots and isn’t serialsized (well aside from Biggest Gang Bang in the Universe 27, and All Anal Olympics 19) unlike most of the horse shit that passes for TV drama today. Look the main issue is have an underlying ark for the whole season, but make it fucking more subtle! Are TV shows so afraid to do single episodes again because people might not watch next week? Hmm to us that sounds like over all bad writing and weak over all characters. But in the end by suckering you into watching 57 minuets for one teaseable line, TV drama has become not only lazy but insulting to you as the viewer.

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Review : Blizzard Beach

Walt Disney World is home to four theme parks. Yet what counts in the definition of theme park? If it has rides, and is part of a ticket plan does it count? The answer is yes, and the number is now raised to six, as were counting the two water parks as well (River Country how we mourn you) so grab your towel and sunscreen as we hit Blizzard Beach! So right off the bat the word beach is streaching it a tad bit, as the only beach is by the wave pool and a few quiet lounge areas in the back of the park by the lazy river. The rest is nice firm concrete so after a day of walking around barefoot, the soles of your feet will be screaming. While we’re on screaming, yes we know it’s located in Orlando, Florida and yes it was 89 for a high the day we visted, however if the water is heated, people shouldn’t be yelling when they first get in “It’s too cold!” Seriously Disney you got the money for the power bill, turn the water heater thermostat up. Your probally saying to yourself “But cold water is refreshing so I’ll take the plunge, take me on some rides!” Fair enough, we’ll give higher marks to the rides we went on, such as Runoff Rapids, and Snow Stormers (however the mat launch is tricky with body weight and flow of water under the mat.) The wave pool Melt-Away Bay was decent however we recomend the one at Aquatica which is owned by SeaWorld. Same could be said with the Cross Country Creek lazy river, Aquatica also has a better rapids version. What else did we learn from this park? Seriously tourists need to wear a rash guard, and not everyone needs to wear a bikini, and if you had three kids, maybe you don’t need to have that navel piercing anymore, look you might be on vacation but don’t scar everyone else because you can’t flaunt anymore what you could when you were 22.  

On a scale of 1.0 to 5.9 it got a 3.9 out of 5.9
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